I’m tired of talking about bad relationships. I’m bored with people who don’t believe in real love and people who put in minute love efforts. I’m bored with jaded people who justify their lack of love. It’s like no matter how many times I’ve been heartbroken, I still don’t want to do things the way other people do them. Sure I’ll try just to be sure, but usually I go back the other way. MY WAY!
Sometimes people question WHY I’ve dated the people I’ve dated. Regardless of me breaking up with them at some point, I realize that with those people I experienced great love. A love that other people have never felt. I experienced love so pure that if often felt God sent. Those guys weren’t rich, but they could’ve been had they listened to me and did right by me. But then there goes the don’t emasculate a man by telling him what to do stuff. (Some men move slow and don’t learn much around me when they don’t view me as the Enlightened, gifted soul that I am. )
Maybe love is a drug to me. Maybe love is simply who I AM. I prefer the in love version of me. I prefer to talk about the beauty and happiness of relationships. Yet, it has been quite difficult for me to pretend that I don’t know what women go through. I don’t quite get how me not talking about the problems actually helps them. I feel like women need to know that someone feels them.
But once again, I’m also the person who tells them to raise their standards and attract better men for loving relationships. But how many people actually know HOW to love another soul?
Even me, I’m a great vortex of love, but if you put someone in front of me, who is not giving me their all, I will feel like I have no where to plug my love into them. Therefore I may not connect and they won’t feel me.
Then there is the traumatized me that not a single soul other than me knows the true depths of what I’ve gone through and overcame in life. I’m also tired of talking about the trauma and the pain. Can’t it all just go away. I dislike when I feel emotional pain. It weights my arms down real heavy. It feels weird because at other times, I can feel love floating through those same veins. I feel broken when I feel pain flowing instead of love. I believe there is so kind of chemical imbalance. I’m sure either legal or illegal drugs would help me to overcome the problem, but instead I’ll just pray and meditate.
Someone recently told me that I attempt to alter my emotional states too much. I didn’t know that was a problem up until that moment. In my head I’m supposed to be happy at least 97% of the time. I definitely pulled that off well when I was single. The percentage dropped quite a bit when I was in a relationship, due to getting with people who weren’t at the sane level of having a good relationship. But when the happy drug kicked in, I was often at 150% so I guess it all balanced itself out.
When I go to feeling emotional pain, I can also go to the numb feeling state where I feel nothing. It’s like I’m just numb, and I’m searching for a FEELING. I go for my most familiar feeling of happiness.
Sometimes no matter what I do, I can’t restore the state. In those times the only thing that works to restore my natural high is GOD. I literally have to read the bible, do church, listen to preachers, meditate, drop my ego, and go deep into the vortex of love. It’s like I’m programmed to be obsessed with God. I literally need God in my life everyday. I can’t be anything other than a Christian. However I understand how others think differently in the spiritual realm. But as for me, God gave me everything. I wasn’t like others who did it all on their own.
God created me so much for love, that I feel off when I don’t vibrate on the frequency. This is something I have to accept about myself. It’s apart of accepting my mission as The Goddess of Love.
People will think I’m bi-polar when I say something about what I don’t like, then 5 minutes later go back to pure joy. I simply CHOOSE to go back to joy. I don’t hold things over people’s head for long. I refuse to stay mad for too long over simple things.
Anyway, I probably only write these things to help someone else through their feeling states. I am now at ACCEPTANCE state in my healing. I wish to experience the highest love right now. Not tomorrow, not the day after, not a year from now, but right now. Now it’s intense enough where I will obsess over it and draw it into my vortex.
I’ve done this twice in the past year, but I keep throwing the fish back. Some would say it’s self-sabotage. But I believe I’m waiting on a man who shows up and wants to love me properly. I must keep that space open for him. A man who isn’t here to fully love me can never stay for long. I won’t let him. I need a full expansion of love.
But you know what? You can’t do a spiritual bypassing on healing pain and trauma. We try to go over it and around it. But we must sit with our emotions and allow them to flow. We must see them from third person and detach from them. There is no such thing as a world without emotions.
